• Has your husband or boyfriend hurt you?
• Did you leave?
• Are you worried about what is going to happen to your children?
Information on Child Custody and Access for Immigrant and Refugee Women
SOME QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
In my community children are considered their father's "property." If I leave my children's father, won't I have to leave them too?
In Canada the law considers children to be the responsibility of both parents. Parents that live together share "custody" or the right to: make decisions, live with and care for their children, equally.
When parents no longer live together they can still share "custody" or one parent can have "sole" custody or the right to support, make decisions, live with and care for the children, on their own, while the other parent has "access" or the right to spend time with the children.
If your children's father has hurt you and you decide to leave, take your children with you! It is very important for you to talk with a family lawyer or community legal worker once you and your children are in a safe place away from him. You can talk with a family lawyer for 2 hours free. Ask an: assaulted women's help line, ESL teacher, settlement worker, women's shelter or violence against women program for the names of family lawyers and community legal clinics. Your lawyer may advise you to get an "interim custody order" which will give you the right to continue caring and living with your children until a final decision can be made about their care.
I left my children's father because of abuse, now he is threatening to take them away from me. What should I do?
You are not alone. Men who hurt their wives and girlfriends often use the children to "get back at" the women who leave them.
Some men, like your children's father, do this by threatening to take the children away.
Others do this by telling friends, family members, even Children's Aid, that their children's mother are bad or unfit because they:
• Don't have a job
• Go to school at night and leave the baby with a caregiver
• Are Deaf or have a disability
• Give the children "time outs"
• Have come out as lesbian
• Make the children eat their vegetables
• Yell at the children to do their homework etc.
Still others use the time they spend with the children to put their mother down and say bad things about her.
If your children's father is trying to get to you through the children, let your family lawyer or community legal worker know. Talk with a counselor. Join a group for women who have experienced abuse. Get help for your children. Ask about programs for "children exposed to violence."
The police charged my children's father with beating me. He was later convicted of "assault" in court and went to jail. Does this automatically keep him from spending time with the children?
Even if your children's father was charged and convicted of assault in Criminal Court and went to jail, the Family Court may still decide that he has a right to spend time with his children.
My children want to see their father, but I am afraid that he will hurt me when I drop them off and pick them up. How can I protect myself?
You are right to be afraid. Men who hurt their wives or girlfriends often use the drop-off and pick up of children to give their mothers a "hard time" or attack them.
Your children's father may have a right to spend time with them but he does not have a right to spend time with you. There are a number of ways you can protect yourself from him.
• Talk with someone at an assaulted women's help line, women's shelter or violence against women program in your community about how to make "access exchanges" safer.
• Get a restraining order that prevents your children's father from having any contact with you. Put in the order that any questions he has about the children must go through a friend family member, lawyer, social worker etc. That way he cannot call you to talk about the children and then use that time to harass you.
• Ask the Family Court to order that all drop-offs and pick ups happen in a public place such as: community centers, day cares, parenting centers, police stations or schools.
My children's father wants to see them but I am worried that he will not take care of them properly. I also worry that he will hurt them if they do something wrong. How can I protect them?
As a mother you are right to worry about your children's care and safety. Men who hurt their wives and girlfriends sometimes hurt their children too. There are a number of ways you can protect your children:
• If you have proof that your children's father neglects or hurts them ask the Family Court that he not be allowed to visit.
• If this is not possible, ask the Family Court to order "supervised access" where he can only visit with the children with a friend, family member, trained volunteer, Children's Aid worker or social worker around.
• If you cannot get "supervised access," you can ask the Family Court to order "limited access" with exact times and places for visits. For example, your children's father can only visit with them on Sundays between 12pm and 2pm at the community center.
What if my children's father tries to take them out of the country?
If you are afraid that your children's father may kidnap the children or "send them back home," you can ask the Family Court to That means that their father cannot get travel papers (passports, birth certificates etc.) or take them outside of the country without your permission.
If your children's father does take them out of the country, contact the police, the Department of Foreign Affairs and International Trade and the "Missing Children Program." Tell them that your children are missing and that you think their father has taken them from Canada. They will help you try to find and get your children back.
I'm not a Canadian citizen nor do I have "landed" papers. Can my children's father have me "deported" without my children if I leave him?
Depending on your situation, you and your children may be able to stay in Canada without his sponsorship. It is important for you to talk with an immigration lawyer or community legal worker about your immigration status, once you and your children are in a safe place away from him. Ask about staying in Canada under "humanitarian and compassionate" grounds.
Can I get child support even though I left my children's father?
The law in Canada gives you and your children the right to financial support even if you left your children's father. In Ontario, if you left a marriage because of abuse, and you and your husband owned your own home, you may be able to stay in your home.
The law treats criminal charges and financial support separately. Your children's father may try to use support to get you to drop the criminal charges against him. He may say, "I'll give you what you want if you tell the judge I didn't beat you." But the choice is not his, he may be ordered to provide financial support.
The law also treats financial support and custody and access separately. Your children's father may try to tie custody and access to support. He may say,
I'll give you what you want if I can see the kids every weekend."
But you are entitled to financial support whether or not he spends time with the children.
GOING TO FAMILY COURT
Getting legal aid
If you cannot afford to pay for a lawyer, you may be eligible for legal aid. To get legal aid you need to make a "legal aid application."
It is important that you get to the legal aid office when it opens.
Expect to spend the day at Legal Aid. Arrange childcare for the day through family or friends. In some
communities there are emergency child-care centers where you may leave your child, for the day for a small cost.
Take copies of all your financial records with you. (E.g. bank statements, bills, pay stubs, rent receipts, tax returns etc.)
If you don't speak English or speak English well it is possible for you or someone you know and trust to call a legal aid office and ask for a cultural interpreter.
When you are at Legal Aid, tell the intake work that you are a "woman abuse survivor" and that your situation is an "emergency" or "red tag." This will give you the maximum number of hours available.
Finding the Right Lawyer
Make sure that any lawyer you go to does "family law" and has experience with "woman abuse." Not every lawyer does and if you are going to get the best help that you can, you need to make sure that your lawyer understands your situation and knows how to represent you. Don't be afraid to ask your lawyer questions about fees, experience, amount of time your case, will take etc. Know that your lawyer works for you!
Telling Your Story and Getting Proof
It is important for you to tell the Family Court what has happened to you and how you plan to continue caring for your children. It is also important for you to have proof that shows the Family Court what you have gone through and what kind of mother you are.
Letters or notes from family, friends and neighbors, your children's daycare providers and teachers, in English or your own language, are considered proof. So are medical and police reports.
Keep a record of everything you have done with your children since you left their father-going to parent teacher interviews, helping your children with their homework, taking a parenting course etc. Also keep a record of their father's behavior-any time he has called you names, showed up late for visits or threatened you.
GOING TO FAMILY COURT
Going to Family Court can take a long time. Your case may take months and sometimes years to "settle."
When you are in court you may be asked to do a number of different things including:
Going to a Case Conference
Where you and your children's father along with your lawyers will meet with the Judge and talk about what will happen in your case.
Mediating
Where you and your children's father are asked to meet with an outside person or "mediator" to decide your children's future. But mediation should never be used if there is "woman abuse". You have the right to say NO to it.
Being Assessed
Where a social worker, psychologist or psychiatrist will then talk with you, your children and their father and write a report on what they think is in the "best interests of the children."
If you are ordered to have an assessment, ask for an assessor who has experience with "woman abuse" and who can do a "comprehensive risk assessment" which will tell the family court the degree to which you and your children are at risk of further harm. Talk with your lawyer about what information is okay to share with the assessor.
Making Decisions
In making a decision about "custody and access" the Family Court judge will look at the existing laws in Canada. The judge will then review your case and the proof you and your children's father present. A decision will be made based on what the judge believes is in your children's "best interest."
If you disagree with the judge's decision, you have the right to appeal. Talk with your family lawyer or community legal worker about it.
DOES YOUR EX-HUSBAND OR BOYFRIEND...
• use visits with the kids to undermine the rules and routines their you have made for them. E.g. Let them stay up past their bedtime, not do their homework, watch TV all day?
• teach the kids that it's okay to use threats and violence to get what they want-"If your sister is bugging you, hit her, that'll make her stop"?
• Spend his visits with the kids putting you down or saying things like "your mother is ...a used tire... left over goods or a broken shoe"
• Not show up on time for visits or dropping in when he feels like it?
• Not return the kids unless you promise to give him transit fare or gas money?
• Call you to talk about the children and then use that time to call you names?
• Bring the kids back early or late from visits?
• Always question and criticize how you take care the kids?
Do you need information on your right to support, make decisions,
live with and care your children after you leave a husband or
boyfriend who hurts you?
Education Wife Assault
427 Bloor Street West, Box 7, Toronto, Ontario M5S 1X7
Phone: (416) 968-3422. TTY: (416) 968-3722
Fax: (416) 968-2026
E-mail: info@womanabuseprevention.com
Website: www.womanabuseprevention.com
WHERE TO FIND HELP
Crisis:
Assaulted Women's Helpline (416) 863-0511
TTY (416)864-8782
Toronto Rape Crisis Centre/Multicultural Women Against Rape
(416) 597-8808
Information and Referral:
Barbra Schlifer Commemorative Clinic (416) 323-9149
Community Information Toronto (416) 397-4636
TTY (416) 392-3778
Education Wife Assault (416) 968-3422
TTY (416) 968-3372
Woman Abuse Council (416) 944-9242
Lawyers and Legal Help
Community Legal Information Ontario (416) 408-4420
Foreign Affairs, Canada, Missing Children Program 1-800-267-6788
(613) 993-1525
Lawyer Referral Service (416) 946-3330
Legal Aid Ontario (416) 979-1446
Ontario Family Responsibility Office 1-800-267-4330
Parkdale Community Legal Clinic (416) 531-2411
The Office of the Children's Lawyer (416) 314-8000
Windfall (for Court Clothes) (416) 703-8435