HOW TO HELP CHILDREN EXPOSED TO WOMAN ABUSE
by Marcia Sfeir
For Mothers and Caregivers
Understand that your children act the way that they do for a reason. Use words to connect their feelings with their actions. Children often try to figure out why the abuse is happening. They often blame themselves. You need to talk about what is going on with them.
• Let your children know that the abuse is not their fault .
• Let them know that you will always love them no matter how good/bad their behaviour is.
• Let them know that the abuse is not a part of their culture , community or religion, no matter what anyone says.
• Let them know that it is okay to talk about the abuse. Information and talking about feelings helps them sort out what is happening. If you don't feel that you can talk with your children, make sure they have one or two people that you feel comfortable with them talking to: such as safe family members or other adults (e.g. a teacher or childcare worker). Where necessary, ensure s/he has access to alternative communication tools. (E.g. appropriate sign language, augmentative communication, appropriate community interpreter, etc.)
• Let them know that keeping quiet about abuse at home may lead to keeping quite about other bad experiences in their lives, and that this is not good for them.
• Help them work out a safety plan : a safe place to go when there is fighting or abuse, numbers they can call.
• Make sure they know that it is not safe to get between you and the abuser when the abuser is hurting you.
• Let them know that it is O.K. for them to have mixed feelings about the abuser. They can love the abuser but hate that he hurts you.
• Help your children identify a range of feelings and allow them to safely express them.
• Try to notice what your children do well and praise it.
• Let your children know what to expect on a daily basis . Children who are exposed to abuse need to know beforehand what they will be doing, where they will be and how long they will stay. Sometimes they will have a hard time when you leave them. Reassure them; tell them they are safe and when you will be back.
• Get support for yourself. It is a lot of work to parent children who have been exposed to abuse, but with help you can do it.
For Teachers and Child Care Workers
• Provide children with a vocabulary to express various feelings. Some children who are exposed to abuse can only recognize and express anger. Discuss feelings often — how to recognize them in themselves, how to express them in ways that make others feel safe and how to recognize them in others.
• Children who are exposed to abuse often have short attention spans as a result of their being constantly “on edge” at home. Try not to focus too much negative attention on this behaviour. Support children by helping them to redirect their energy.
• Try to use non-judgmental terms such as “safe”/“unsafe” when describing children's behaviour. Children exposed to abuse may experience low self-esteem and identify with the abuser if they hear that they are “bad” or “not nice.”
• Be clear and consistent about rules and consequences. Try not to appear arbitrary about punishments or decisions. Children exposed to abuse often have a very keen sense of justice.
• Try to create safety and predictability in the classroom. Having regular routines and following through are very helpful in assisting children to cope with the uncertainty and anxiety they may feel.
• Offer limited choices . These increase children's sense of control over their world. Decision-making may be an unusual experience for children exposed to abuse.
• School-aged children can benefit from discussions of gender roles . Boys especially need to know that being abusive is not the only way to be male.
• Challenge images in popular culture that show aggression and violence as the only ways of “getting what you want.” Identify other ways of solving problems.
• Know that women, who are abused, like most mothers, try to do the best for their children. Be aware of what mothers exposed to abuse are facing. Try not to judge her for what may look to you like poor parenting practices. If you notice things that seem to help or hinder her children, share them with her. She may not always be able to act on your information right away or on a regular basis, but continue sharing this information with her.
• Do not criticize the offending parents . Children often have confused and mixed feelings about the abuser. If you speak negatively about the abuser, feelings of loyalty and protectiveness toward the parent may cause the child to feel that s/he cannot talk about the abuse.
• Do not make commitments that you cannot follow through. When s/he hears the statements are not true, this may cause the child to believe that no one can help him or her, and that it is not worth telling anyone about what is happening at home.
• Your role is not to gather evidence or to investigate the situation. Your role is to listen and to acknowledge the feelings the child is sharing.
By Marsha Sfeir with input of Peer Educators from EWA Immigrant/Refugee Women's Program
Please contact EWA for a complete hard copy:
publications@womanabuseprevention.com
Telephone: 416.968.3422 x21 |
