Are We Really Listening?
by Janice Shaw

Children exposed to domestic violence have long been known as the silent victims of woman abuse. Like the women before who broke the silence about woman abuse, the issues facing children exposed to violence have come out of the closet. These children, however, are completely dependent on help from the adults around them. This puts them in a highly precarious situation. It is dangerous to think that these children are not all too aware of the sensitive, perilous balance that defines their lives.
For four years, I have worked with children who live in families with woman abuse. My work has included individual counseling, psycho-educational group programming as well as different kinds of community outreach. Most of the time, children and teens come to me via their mothers or their schools. The presenting problems are generally the same: highly aggressive behaviour and/or academic difficulties. At first, these children and teens are reluctant to talk about their problems.
By the time they get to me, these children and teens have already been exposed to countless incidents of abuse, have perhaps been the victim of violence themselves and have generally had difficulties at school because they are easily distracted and/or have poor social skills. In addition, they are often bullying or being bullied by their peers. For most of these young people, no one has ever talked to them about their experiences in their family - it is a well-kept secret. Almost every child I have met has believed that she/he is the only one who lives like this. They balk at the thought of talking about it with their friends from school. This is one reason psycho-educational group programming is so helpful for these kids - it helps reduce the isolation these kids feel as well as helping them negotiate peer relationships in a safe and controlled environment.
Over the last four decades, we have learned that abuse of any kind is sustained and propagated by secrecy. Once the secret is out, the conditions ripe for abuse begin to unravel. Children exposed to woman abuse need explicit permission from their mother to speak about “what happens” in their families. And sometimes, even this isn't enough to help these children feel safe enough to open up about their feelings, fears, nightmares and daily worries. They have learned, and sometimes at an extremely early age, that nothing will change the behaviour of the abuser. In addition, they know that should the abuser find out about their disclosures, the consequences could be dire for both themselves as well as their mothers.
We know that children are, by definition, egocentric creatures. Because of their primary identity as “children”, they have not yet had the opportunity to determine their place in the world. Instead, children believe that they are the center of the world. For children who are exposed to woman abuse, this means that all too often, these children believe that they are, in fact, responsible for the “fighting”. They think “if I'd only eaten my dinner” or “if I'd only put my bike away” or “if I'd only done what he wanted” or “if I'd only gone to bed on time” to a host of other reasons, then “he wouldn't have hurt my mother”. These children and teens have not yet learned that each one of us is responsible for our own choices/behaviours and no one can “make” anyone else change.
Like their mothers, these children love their abusive fathers/stepfathers and just want them to stop hurting them. In other words, they wish that he would change his behaviour and stop hurting other people. Very often, these children idealize the good times with the abusive parent and direct their anger and rage towards their mothers. This puts the women in a very precarious position as they themselves are struggling with not only all the systemic barriers in their efforts to end the relationship but also with the emotional struggles of divorce and the behavioural consequences from their children.
Popular parenting techniques such as 1, 2, 3 Magic do not often work with these children. One of the primary reasons for this is that even the harshest discipline a mother might mete out is not as severe as the ‘consequences' she/he remembers from the abusive parent. From the child's perspective, the abusive parent usually got what he wanted and thus the child has learned that aggressive and violent behaviours get what you want. For the abused mothers, it is a long and often agonizingly, slow process of undoing this misguided life lesson.
Working with these children and teens is difficult, as the systems in place to help them are often not able to do so. The children are supposed to be assigned lawyers in a timely fashion. Children's Aid is supposed to respond in a timely fashion after a report has been made. Things are supposed to get better when you tell someone about the abuse and often, things only get more complicated. The court is supposed to make decisions based on the truth, not necessarily the evidence. Children exposed to woman abuse are a paradox - they are incredibly adult-like in some respects and, in other respects, often younger than others at the same age. They have worries that children who don't live with violence ever have to think about: will their mothers be okay when they get home from school? Why am I being sent for counselling when I'm not the one causing the problems?
It is incumbent on the adults who work with children to learn to recognize the signs of children exposed to violence. These children and teens are powerless and completely dependent on the adults around them for support and assistance - and they are keenly aware of this. The multiple issues facing child witnesses are now well known. It is up to us, the adults, not to ignore these issues and to advocate for the changes needed to best serve this highly vulnerable population.

Tales from Children and Teens

One child removed the insulation from a wall in the basement and that was where he would hide during the abuse. Another was made to watch his father abuse his little sister during access visits. Still another had nightmares about his daddy breaking into his home and threatening him with a knife to make him promise to go for access visits. A little girl wants a machine where she could flip a switch and her father would be nicer to her. A teen had her suicide all planned out. Another teen found herself struggling to free herself from an abusive boyfriend.

References

Phelan, T. (1996) 1-2-3 Magic. Glen Ellyn , IL : Child Management Inc.

Janice Shaw is a social worker who has worked with oppressed populations for many years. She has worked at Jewish Family and Child Service for five years, where she has worked with children exposed to woman abuse for four years. She is currently the coordinator of the Here To Help Program. Her MA thesis specifically looked at how children's testimony is constructed as credible in criminal court in cases of physical and sexual abuse.   

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