Many people do not realize how complicated abusive same-sex relationships are. It has taken me almost three years to receive the help that I needed. In one of my most
desperate moments, I discovered a group for women survivors of abuse in same-sex relationships at Parkdale Community Health Centre. I immediately felt my isolation and secrecy decrease. At the same time my fear rose. I
knew I'd be facing my own pain, experiences, secrets and feelings, and I knew that it would be extremely difficult.
I experienced threats before the violence happened. She told me it was my fault that she became angry
so often, and I believed her. That escalated to physically forced multiple rapes and internal injuries. Then it became telephone threats, up to ten a day, and being watched and followed when I went out. She threatened
to kill herself if I didn't "fix things up". One time I was forcibly taken to another city in an attempt to coerce me back into the relationship. I was terrified. While this was happening, I was isolated from all
my friends and no one knew what was going on. Finally, I broke the silence by going to the police. They told me to "move, change your phone number and tell your ex you've gone straight." I was humiliated. No
officer would ever tell a woman being abused by her male partner to tell him that she's "gone gay"! It's very frightening when you can't depend on the police for protection. Months went by before I sought an advocate at
the Victim Assistance Programme at the 519 Church Street Community Centre to deal with the police for me. We even looked into filing a complaint against the police officer who humiliated me. I believe that was what
encouraged the police to help me and eventually my ex was issued a restraining order.
The group at Parkdale, both its facilitators and its participants, gave me back my self respect and the courage to keep fighting
for myself. I learned a lot about "red flags" (potential abusers) and am better able to see the signs of abuse and get away faster, but I notice that I still look over my shoulder every day.
Liz Bibb was a participant in the Parkdale Women's Support Group.
