[reprinted with permission from the authors]Nature of Abuse:
Abuse in relationships is any behavior or pattern of behavior used to coerce, dominate or isolate the other partner. It is the
use of any form of power that is imposed by one partner over the other to maintain control within the relationship.
Abuse includes but is not limited to:
Physical Abuse - hitting; choking; slapping; burning;
shoving; using a weapon; physically restraining; intentional interference with basic needs (e.g. food, medicine, sleep)
Isolation: Restricting Freedom - controlling contacts with friends and family, access to
information and participation in groups or organizations; locking up in a room / restricting mobility; monitoring telephone calls
Psychological & Emotional Abuse - constantly criticizing, ridiculing (self, family,
friends, past); trying to humiliate or degrade; lying; undermining self-esteem; misleading someone about the norms and values of the gay/lesbian communities in order to control or exploit them
Stalking / Harassing
Behavior - following; turning up at workplace or house; parking outside; repeated phone calls or mail to victim and/or family, friends, colleagues
Threats & Intimidation - threatening to harm partner, self or
others (children, family, friends, pets); threatening to make reports to authorities that jeopardize child custody, immigration or legal status; threatening to disclose HIV status, threatening to reveal sexual
orientation to family, friends, neighbors, and/or employers
Economic Abuse - controlling or stealing money; fostering dependency; making financial decisions without asking or telling partner
Sexual Abuse/Harassment
- forcing sex or specific acts, pressuring into unwanted sexual behavior, criticizing performance
Property Destruction - destroying mementos, breaking furniture or windows, throwing or smashing objects, trashing
clothes or other possessions
Common Myths About Abuse in Lesbian Relationships:
"Women are not abusive - only men are."
Anyone can choose to be abusive or not.
"Lesbians are always equal in
relationships. It is not abuse, it is a relationship struggle."
Two women in a relationship do not automatically guarantee equality. Relationship struggles are never equal if abuse is involved.
"Abusive
lesbians are more "butch," larger, apolitical or have social lives that revolve around the bar culture."
Abuse occurs regardless of race, class, religion, age, political affiliation, lifestyle, or physical attributes.
"Lesbian violence is caused by drugs, alcohol, stress, childhood abuse."
While these factors can be important, they do not excuse the abuse.
"Lesbian abusers have been abused/oppressed by men are therefore not as
responsible for what they do."
This is an excuse; abuse will only stop when responsibility is taken for the abuse.
"It is easier for a lesbian to leave her abusive partner that it is for a heterosexual woman to
leave her abusive partner."
It is never easy to leave an abusive relationship.
Common Myths About Abuse in Gay Male Relationships:
"Gay men are rarely victims of abuse by their partners."
Men can be and
are abused. This myth makes it particularly hard for men to come forward for help.
"When violence occurs between gay men in a relationship, it's a fight, it's normal, it's 'boys will be boys.'"
Using violence
or 'taking it' is not normal; it is an unhealthy way to relate to others.
"Abuse in gay male relationships primarily involves apolitical gay men, or gay men who are part of the bar culture."
Abuse occurs regardless
of race, class, religion, age, political affiliation or life style.
"Abuse in gay male relationships is sexual behavior: it's a version of sadomasochism and the victims actually like it."
In s/m there are mutually
agreed upon verbal contracts between the involved parties. No such contract exists between an abuser and his victim.*
"It is easier for a gay man to leave his abusive partner that it is for a heterosexual woman
to leave her abusive partner."
It is never easy to leave an abusive relationship.
*This applies to lesbian relationships as well.
Abuse in Same-Sex Relationships Versus Abuse in Opposite-Sex Relationships:
What is the Same:
Abuse is always the responsibility of the abuser and is always a choice.
Victims are often blamed for the abuse by partners, and sometimes even family, friends and professionals can excuse
or minimize the abusive behavior.
It is difficult for victims to leave abusive relationships.
Abuse is not an acceptable or healthy way to solve difficulties in relationships, regardless of orientation.
Victims
feels responsible for their partner's violence and their partner's emotional state, hoping to prevent further violence.
Abuse usually worsens over time.
The abuser is often apologetic after abusing, giving false
hope that the abuse will stop.
Some or all of the following effects of abuse may be present: shame, self-blame, physical injuries, short and long-term health problems, sleep disturbances, constantly on guard, social
withdrawal, lack of confidence, low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, feelings of hopelessness, shock, and dissociative states.
What is Different:
Very limited services exist specifically for abused and
abusive lesbians and gay men.
Lesbians and gay men often experience a lack of understanding of the seriousness of the abuse when reporting incidences of violence to a therapist, police officer or medical personnel.
Homophobia in society denies the reality of lesbian and gay men's lives, including the existence of lesbian and gay male relationships, let alone abusive ones. When abuse exists, attitudes often range from 'who
cares' to 'these relationships are generally unstable or unhealthy.'
Shelters for abused women may not be sensitive to same-sex abuse (theoretically, shelters are open to all women and therefore, a same-sex victim may
not feel safe as her abuser may also have access to the shelter). Abused gay men have even fewer places to turn for help in that there are no agency-sponsored safe places to stay.
In lesbian and gay male
relationships, there may be additional fears of losing the relationship which confirms one's sexual orientation; fears of not being believed about the abuse and fears of losing friends and support within the lesbian/gay
communities.
What To Do If You're Being Abused:
Recognize that you are not responsible for the abuse.
Recognize that violence/abuse is not likely to stop on its own - episodes of violence usually become
more frequent and more severe.
It is important to break the silence. Try to tell someone who will believe you.
Seek professional help from a qualified counselor who is knowledgeable about partner abuse and is
lesbian/gay positive. A lesbian or gay male counselor with the above qualities may help you address the pertinent issues of abuse with more comfort and focus.
Only you can decide what to do about your
relationship - whether to stay or leave is your decision. However, it is important to develop a safety plan in case your safety and/or your children's safety is in jeopardy such as:
- a safe place to stay;
- emergency phone numbers;
- some money;
- your own bank account;
- post office box; and
- bag of essentials.
What To Do If You're Being Abusive:
Stop being abusive. Stop using abuse of any form (physical, sexual, verbal or emotional), including threats and intimidation.
Accept responsibility for your
behavior. Remember that the use of violence in any form is always a choice that you make.
Do not make excuses for your violence or blame your partner for your abusive behavior.
Recognize that assaultive behavior is unacceptable and is a criminal act.
Seek professional help from a qualified counselor who is knowledgeable about partner abuse and is lesbian/gay positive. A lesbian or gay
male counselor may help you address the pertinent issues of abuse with more comfort and focus.
Alcohol, drug use or mental health problems are not excuses for abusive behavior. Seek appropriate help for these
problems.
How Can Friends/Relatives Help?
If someone discloses or you suspect that he/she is being abused, don't be afraid to privately express your concern and offer to help. Possible ways to help
include locating resources, encouraging safety planning, respecting confidentiality and being there to listen. Believe their experience - don't minimize it. Don't give up or criticize them. If a friend
doesn't leave an abusive partner, understand it is not easy. Let your friend know that you will be there regardless.
If someone you know is being abusive, tell them that violence and abuse are
unacceptable. Encourage and support them in getting help to stop the violent behavior. Hold them accountable for their actions and the need to change.
What Lesbian and Gay Male Communities Can Do:
The lesbian and gay male communities must begin to break down the silences and defensiveness around the issue of abuse in same-sex relationships. The more it is talked about the easier it will be for individuals
to identify and change their own behavior and to expect relationships that are mutually respectful and free from fear and any form of abuse.
Get educated and help educate; work to include this issue in community
papers and public forums.
Advocate for treatment and services on the part of medical, legal, police and social services that is equal, accessible and sensitive to the needs of people who are in abusive same-sex
relationships.
How Professionals Can Help:
All professionals need to examine their own attitudes and feelings and how these have been influenced by homophobia and heterosexism.
Become aware of the silence
and prevailing myths about partner abuse in lesbian and gay male relationships.
Do not assume with either males or females that their partner is of the opposite sex.
Respect your client's anxieties about disclosure
of sexual orientation, which may be based on real fears of discrimination and its effects on child custody, family support, job security, and/or deportation. Choices about disclosure of orientation and same-sex
relationships are those of your clients and theirs alone.
It is important to impart acceptance of your client's sexual orientation.
Clients who have been abused by a same-sex partner may initially have issues of
trust with a professional of the same sex.
Learn about and encourage the use of supportive social networks within and outside the lesbian and gay male communities.
Community Resources in Metropolitan Toronto:
Assaulted Women's Helpline
(416) 863-0511
Free 24 hour hotline provides confidential crisis counseling, emotional support, information and referrals to assaulted or abused women.
The David Kelley
Lesbian and Gay Community Counseling Program - Family Service Association of Metropolitan Toronto
(416) 595-9618
Day and evening hours, by appointment
355 Church St., Toronto, M5B 1Z8
Victim Assistance Program
(416) 392-6877
519 Church St. Community Center
Provides support, information and advocacy for people who have experienced any hate motivated violence, based on sexual orientation or
same-sex partner abuse
Two Spirited People of the First Nations
(416) 944-9300
Has partner abuse program, by appointment
These agencies have expertise in same-sex partner abuse and can provide
assistance and counseling. They can also provide referrals to other agencies as needed e.g. addictions, counseling, child protection, medical and legal help.
This list of resources will change as new programs
develop in the area of partner abuse. Consumers and professionals alike can find current listings of services and therapists through directories (such as The Rainbow Book, which can be purchased at the 519 Church
St. Community Center) and through these phone lines:
TAGL (Toronto Area Gays and Lesbians) (416) 964-6600
Lesbian/Gay/Bi Youth Line (416) 962-9688
Further Reading:
Chesley, Laurie C et al. Abuse in Lesbian Relationships: A Handbook of Information and Resources. Republished as a chapter in "Lesbian Health Guide," edited by Regan McClure and Annie Vespry.
Toronto: Queer Press, 1994
Island, D and Letellier, P. Men Who Beat the Men Who Love Them: Battered Gay Men and Domestic Violence. New York: Haworth Press Inc., 1991
Pharr, S.
Homophobia: A Weapon of Sexism. Little Rock: Chardon Press, 1988
Lobel, K. Naming the Violence. Seattle: Seal Press, 1986.
Sonkin, D.J. and Durphy, M. Learning to Live Without
Violence: A Handbook for Men. California: Volcano Press, 1989.
Web Resources:
